Hello John Tony Robbins Come on in uh oh Halo Hi how are you Hey everybody it’s Tony Robbins welcome To Tony Robbins podcast I get to be here In person for a little bit listen I am Really excited about the subject that we Have today and also the guests that we Have the subject is the most important Subject I know of to controlling human Behavior if you ever asked yourself why Did I try to make a change and try and Try and not really succeed you’re going To understand the answer by the end of This and more importantly if you want to Create lasting change the tool that We’re going to talk about today is the Tool that creates lasting change and if It’s used improperly and also get you Stuck and the term or the tool we’re Talking about is the power of identity Now what is identity well we all Identify ourselves in different ways who Are you are you a conservative person an Aggressive person are you quiet are you Outgoing there’s so many ways that we Define ourselves and identity is just The culmination of the beliefs you have About who you are but those beliefs Control how you think how you feel what You perceive how you interact with People what you’re willing to do not Willing to do in fact I’d submit to you
That after 45 years of working with People in 195 countries all over this Planet from the most successful to the Most challenged the single most Important element if I want to Understand what’s driving that person is To understand how they Define themselves But because hear me now the most Powerful force in the human personality Is the need to stay consistent with how We Define ourselves and you know if you Think of someone who’s having quote an Identity crisis what is that they turn a Certain age and they quickly question Everything they had accepted a belief is Something you feel absolutely certain About you don’t believe something if you Start to question it you produce doubt And so sometimes there’s certain stages Of life where someone suddenly goes out And has this identity crisis and they Buy a sports car or whatever the case May be and they change their hair and They do everything else but what’s Really happening is they’re trying to Redefine themselves having to find Themselves a long time ago and we all Have these ways of defining ourselves But let me give an example of just how Powerful it is so I’ll give you a Simplistic example I don’t know if you ever smoke Cigarettes or know someone who did but If you go to someone who smokes
Cigarettes and no longer does and you Said to them would you like a cigarette They wouldn’t say to you what brand is It what would they say to you no I’m not A smoker I’m not one of those and that’s Really important because we Define Ourselves by what we are and by what We’re not and it’s not effortful when You’re not a smoker it’s not effortful If you say I’m a health nut to you know Not smoke it’s just not part of your World you don’t even consider it because That need to stay consistent with how You define yourself is the basis of a Human being’s basic personality making Decisions now the downside of this of Course is you can create a negative Identity for yourself you can have an Identity that says let’s say you’ve put Things off a lot and you know you’re About to go do something and then you Get fearful everybody has the fear of Failure the fear of something of the Unknown and last minute you don’t do it And then you say I’m really gonna do This and you do it again and again after A while you don’t want to disappoint Yourself so you might develop a new Identity and say I’m a procrastinator And once that’s who you are that Behavior is going to be consistent it is That powerful a control system on how we Function as human beings so anything you Attach the words I am to over and over
Again consistency with your language With your emotion with an emotional Intensity you’ll eventually become it Because it becomes a belief and a belief Is self-fulfilling whether you think you Can whether you think you can’t you’re Right so I think this subject being able To differentiate between having a Certain feeling or acting a certain way And being that kind of person is huge You can use this tool when I’m working With somebody I’m looking to create a Lasting change I’m looking to help that Person shift how they perceive who they Are permanently not just what they were Doing but I want you to know that today We’re going to introduce it to two Brilliant people my two favorite people My wife sage and my right arm and our Chosen family Mary I think a lot of men See identity as this is who I am this is How I am but for for women identity can Often be a burden because there’s so Many Now I don’t see it that way within Myself but some people you know it used To be easy I’m a farmer you know I’m a Mother but today you’re the farmer You’re the mother you’re the community Activist right you’re the athlete you’re You know you’re everything there’s so Many pieces and my hope and the reason I’m having these two ladies take this Over with you is that when you’re done
With this you’ll start to question some Of your old identities some of the Limitations those might bring you know So often people say I’m not that kind of Person what kind of person and when did You define yourself A year ago five years ago ten years ago 20 years 30 years ago most people was a Long time ago and maybe at the end of This conversation it’s time to update Your sense of identity maybe it’s time To expand it maybe it’s time to take Some of the labels off that might limit You maybe it’s time to look at some that You want to Define Yourself by As you Move for the next five or ten years of Your life of growth and expansion but I Think it’s important to understand how Powerful this piece is it can be used as A weapon to separate people you’re one Of those that’s often what happens Politically in the world we’re in today No matter what right left Center it Doesn’t matter I’m more of an Independent myself so it’s a little bit Easier to see but even that I see myself As independent I want to be able to see Both sides not everybody has that Feeling some people think someone has a Different point of view is evil these Days but the point is why would we use Words to limit us when we can expand our Spirits our hearts and our souls by Expanding our identity not limiting
Ourselves in some way and I want you to Know most people Define themselves by How they’ve behaved and here’s what I Want you to consider Whatever people do they’re doing the Best they can with the resources they Have in that moment are there smart People who do stupid things my bet is You’re a smart person you’ve probably Done stupid things I sure have are there You know people that are not seemingly High Intelligence who do some really Bright things of course they do can you Is it possible for a really mean person You consider mean to be really nice Yeah when they’re in a really nice State They will be is it nice is it possible For a really nice person to be mean of Course everybody’s done it in some time But the difference is your identity so Our identity is more powerful than even The truth your beliefs about people Shape your relationships with them and Then your beliefs of course about Yourself are the most powerful of all And that’s why I think this subject is So critical but here’s what I want you To realize people are not their Behaviors you are not their behaviors We’ve all done dumb things doesn’t mean You’re dumb we’re all doing some hard Things doesn’t mean you’re absolutely Smart right it’s not that black and White it’s not that simple but that’s
The way the Mind tries to reduce things That’s the reductionism of the mind not Your heart not your soul not your spirit But the mind it’s trying to keep things This or that it’s chopping it down it’s Reductionism you don’t want to fall for That but I want you to know you can also Expand your identity not by telling Yourself I’m great I’m great I’m great But by doing something it’s like Self-esteem I hear so many parents Talking I want my kids to have so much Self-esteem and I think it’s one of the Biggest mistakes and I’m not the only One who believes this doctor uh said Becker back from Stanford Karen dwack I Remember reading her books and she’s Talking about how we’ve raised our Children and told them they’re great all The time and they’re wonderful and They’re perfect and what it really does Is mess them up and the research shows It because then they go in the real World and they aren’t perfect they Aren’t all the things their parents told Them they’ve been told their whole life And now they’re scared to try something Where they’re not who they thought they Were because their identity was larger Than who they were as opposed to Rewarding your child for effort wow That’s amazing effort boy if you keep Doing that you’ll achieve whatever you Want that’s a true statement they can
Grow and expand out of that so I just Want to understand there are situations Where people get in a certain emotional State they’re scared they’re angry They’re afraid they’re whatever and they Behave a certain way but if they do that Several times they might say that’s the Kind of person I am and once you do it’s Self-fulfilling or worse you know Somebody and they were mean to you Sometime and there are they’re such a Mean harsh person well I bet they’re Different with their child I bet they’re Different when they’re not under stress But so when we give somebody an identity We limit our ability to actually reach That Soul or that spirit and we limit Our own world and we put ourselves in a Place of Judgment of others and we’re Judging others who’s the first person We’re going to judge ourselves So this is an area that deserves taking The time to think really looking at all The consequences of identity and also Understanding it’s it’s the controlling Force in your life so it’s controlling Decision making it’s controlling your Perceptions of yourself it’s controlling Perceptions of others and here’s one one Thing that controls how far you grow or Fall So I’ll give you a metaphor I like to Share with people think of it this way If you set a thermostat on the wall and
You set that thing at 68 degrees And let’s use 68 degrees as the metaphor Not for your goals in life but your Comfort zone which is your identity Right you might have these huge goals I Want to be this but have you ever like Said I’m gonna go do this and then some Voice inside your headsets who are you Kidding right who are you kidding is That’s a big reach Beyond who you are in The mind in your mind at that time so Say 68 degrees represents where you’re Comfortable financially not where you Want to be but what you’re used to your Current identity you might say I want to Be financially free but you’re Financially struggling and that’s your Identity inside your head you want Financially free but you’re financially Struggling you can do the same thing for Your body it’s not your ideal it’s what You gotten used to it’s your identity It’s who I am right like I remember how You say you know I’m big boned that’s Why I’m overweight that was my excuse And reason right that was my identity For a long time so I broke that pattern Kept it out so what happens if you set It 68 degrees and we’re using that as a Temperature metaphor and things get less Than you think they should be not your Goals but less than your identity like All of a sudden you gain 15 pounds During covet or 20.
Or something happens in your body or Your relationship that really is Uncomfortable or your finances dropped To a certain level there’s a point where It goes 68 65 63 somewhere around 60 Degrees maybe 59 something’s going to go On in that computer and it’s going to go Whoa whoa whoa What are you doing here in 59 Right you’re a 68 degreeer and have you Ever felt that like the have you ever Felt like things got so below your own Standard that something you kicked on is That this is changing now now the minute Not an hour I’m doing this now I’m sure You have and what happens is the heaters Kick on the drive to get back to where You think your basic identity is and People do that they’re gonna have to Drive and suddenly they’re pushing they Find the way and they’ll usually get There or They adjust to a lower identity and That’s what some people do over and over Throughout their life and that’s why They’re so disappointed and they have a Reason because somebody betrayed them Because this happened because something Happened in the economy and all those Things probably really didn’t happen But it was really the drop in identity Because once it’s your identity you find The way But think of this way if things get bad
Enough you get this drive to get back to Your identity not your goals your Identity right your musts your MUSC is Who you think you are If all of a sudden you start doing Better than you dreamed of you work Harder you get some breakthroughs you Get some insights and now emotionally Psychologically financially physically Your career whatever goes from 68 Degrees to 78 to 88 to 90 and 99 degrees By 99 degrees some atmosphere Frank will Say hey what are you doing You’re a 68 degree or what are you doing Here at 99 you don’t belong here And then what happens the heaters of Drive stop and if that’s not enough the Air conditioners kick kick in you start Saying things that mess up the Relationship you start sabotaging things In the business you start sleeping in Until you get right back to where you Need to be So I want to just set up for you how Important identity is and throughout Your life my bet is you’ve had moments That have redefined you they may be Redefined you for greater sense of who You are and what you’re capable your Spirit and your soul and what you’re Sharing or they may have created more Limitations because it didn’t work out Or you didn’t do the right thing over And over and then finally you don’t want
To feel bad about yourself so you Created an identity that was less than I’m inviting you in this session to Participate with us And to listen to these two people that I Love so much and respect so much and let Them give you their perspective instead Of mine about the power of identity About how you can build it by doing some Things that build you into a stronger Identity about where we might want to Let go of some of the old identities Within ourselves and maybe the people Around us because so much of identity Today is used to define people’s way to Separate us and we’re all brothers and Sisters on the path that’s really what It is and so these podcasts we only do Them when we have a subject that we Really think is important and I hope That you all find this as important as I Found in my life my goal is really Simple have people discover that who They are is more than they think they Are and have them have experiences that Stack that so they know it’s true and Then from that expanded perspective more Of their heart their soul their Spirit Their ability comes out and I got a lot Of identities too I got father and Husband and friend and business owner And athlete and I mean I go on and on I Actually enjoy those I don’t feel the Pressure from those but I know for not
All people but for some women you know The demands are different I think it Might have to do with moms and the way We’re brought up but rather than me Speculate on a woman’s perspective it’s Made me more sensitized because I have Very positive feelings around identity But I’ve also worked very consciously to Shape and create it myself and others But not everybody does and it again it’s It can be the greatest tool for your Growth or it can be the greatest weapon For your separation or for weapon Against yourself and I think this Conversation is one that’s really Important happened so that’s why I Wanted to drop in and kind of set the Tone for this podcast and then pass it On to my dear ones here my sage and our Mary gosh tone that that was uh thank You Tony Um just a second I’m catching up with You here I’m back to Tony again thank You Tony You never call me Tony Own thank you for the introduction uh Your Insight your perspective your life Experience and you know you spoke about Uh many identities and hats that you Wear uh you know something that uh I Think is so such a beautiful inquiry That they use in the East is you know Who am I beyond the external ideas who’s The one that looks through the lens of
Life that who’s the one that seats sits In that seat of your soul that’s Unmovable yes that’s unnamable uh but It’s not your body you’re not your body You’re not your emotions what are you There’s something deeper and more than All of the above deeper faster that goes Beyond because you know when you mention About Whether it’s men or women just human Beings that can get overwhelmed by Identities uh from my own experience I I Think part of that is is because there’s Unconscious expectations of who we’re Supposed to be under each of those Umbrellas yes and yet uh what I’m Interested in curious about to share Mary uh and tone uh in this conversation Is really an identity that I can’t say Is larger but is vaster than all of them And that and it’s that where we all meet In this Human Experience called life And so Mary I can’t thank you enough uh Because I’ve thoroughly enjoyed uh you Know just sharing and exploring and Sharing our own life experience Um With all those listeners out there who Have had the Curiosity To join so I can’t thank you enough uh Tony thank you once again for joining The Tony Robbins podcast we just we just Love the time we do that’s what we’re Trying to say oh that’s great well I
Hope that what comes out of this is a Larger more expansive identity beyond Anything you’ve limited yourself to be Before that we’ve limited ourselves to Be before not only for ourselves but for Others and I can’t imagine better hands To pass that to than the two of you so I’m going to pass the ball to you Everyone enjoy the podcast we’ll look Forward to your comments and hearing What you pull from this for your own Life and for your family and for your Business and for your community Blessings to you all Let me see love Well I want to start like we often do When it’s just you and I sitting here at The table I like to start with a little Tony Robbins trivia to all you listeners out There when you’re gonna ask me I might not okay no you’re it’s an all Play you are also involved you’re you’re Involved but listeners viewers I also Want to ask you if you have been to many Either Tony Robbins seminars or if you Are a graduate of the audio program or However you’re coming to the Tony Robbins podcast today I might say what Is Tony’s teaching on identity Um people are into quotes Tony has a Very famous quote about identity and it Is do you want to play I didn’t want to put you on the spot Mrs
Robbins that’s why I was going to open It up to the audience I bet many of you Got it right because Tony this is one of Those things that he often says write This down now the strongest force in the Human personality is the need to stay Consistent with how we Define ourselves I’m not going to read it again but think About that again The strongest force and there’s so many Things that I would argue are very Strong invisible forces in this life of Ours and for Mr Tony Robbins to say that The strongest force In our personalities the need to stay Consistent with how we Define ourselves So with our self-concept or our identity Like let’s get into that a little bit Unpack that as they say sage Robins what Does that mean gosh Um well just what I’m being shown inside My own mind uh is you know the ideal or The projection that Um gosh I’m good let’s just say I’m a Good person and uh By Nature I am a good Person we all are a good person but can A good person do something foolish can a Good person be blind Um Can a good person be unconscious you Actually in many ways are saying what Tony teaches uh and really drives home At something like date with Destiny or Something where he says our behavior is Not our entire identity like people are
Not their behavior people sometimes have Behavior that meets needs of theirs but It’s really not Anything it’s not their core essential Identity whatever that is so honestly Throughout this podcast I think we’re Asking questions this is really Open-ended this is so open to Interpretation I think that’s why it’s Such an interesting topic to come out With like you said curiosity because It’s like what are we even talking about This concept of self like what does that Mean it’s it it gets mind-blowing to me Really fast and that’s where I think you Know identity of a larger perspective is That we’re all human you know we’re all Human no matter what we’re all human Beings having this Human Experience Um and uh you know we all uh in certain Contexts and certain references may make Different choices you know does that Make us good does that make us bad no I Think that makes us human you know I Think that makes us human uh and so and A lot of times these Identities it’s like gosh you know I I Could I’m a mother uh I’m a daughter I’m A wife I’m uh you know uh gosh whatever Sister a friend I mean all these Different identities that we can put on Ourselves but it’s like I you know those Threads represent a portion of me you Know they represent a
Um a fractal of me but is it right does It represent all of me you know does it Represent all of you all the you know Whether or uh I’m Christian I’m Catholic Uh you know I’m ex-political party I’m I’m this I’m that and a lot of times These uh labels these words these Descriptions are limiting never mind to Ourself and our own perception of Ourselves or others uh but language uh Deducts it it locks it’s not expansive Enough because the truth is we are it’s Like we’re human beings it’s like the Being part of the human actually makes Me most curious You know who am I and in the Eastern Cultures They’ll do inquiry of or they’ll do a Process of um you know meditation it’s Like I’m not my body I’m not my mind and So it’s okay if I’m not my body and you Know I chop off my legs my arms maybe Completely up to right here Am I still me And who is that me what is that that Essence that is-ness you know that’s Who’s the one that’s looking at me at You right now through these eyes You know who’s the one that’s perceiving This you know that’s unmovable within us That Um is faster Um than all of it then all the labels we Can put on it
Um That makes me really curious all in all Like I want people I’m all for Self-expression I want people to be Anything they want to be in every moment We get one shot at this vast life Experience why not be all and that’s why Tony would argue like the best thing That we can do for ourselves is to Expand our identity and how do you do That you do something that is Inconsistent with your self self-image Like Tony always says do something you Would never do yes and why is that so Hard for people because we have these Constraints somehow that get put on us Through I guess conditioning through our Childhood through our past A whole notion of psychobabble or maybe We just like we’re part we’re a Reflection of our culture and the times That we live in and so We are the water that we’re swimming in Like that’s I think that’s really what The heart of even personal development And self-help in this industry that has A lot of Criticism around what are you really Doing all this for it’s like I think I Think what are we really doing all this For it’s to expand our identity while we Can and be as much as we can Before Time Runs out something like that no I I I Hear you on that Mary I think that’s you
Know very accurate and to expand and Also to question You know I here’s a beautiful example I Was raised you know Christian went to Church and had that beautiful imprinting And upbringing Uh and still completely and utterly Alive within me uh and I remember maybe About 14 years ago we went to uh Dubai And uh you know I’d never been in a Muslim culture uh I everything that I Learned I did I don’t can’t even say I Didn’t learn from my experience I’d Either heard or maybe read and so it’s All a projection you know I hadn’t had And I think this is something so unique And a lot of times that’s missed in Today’s society is that you know we have Identities on individuals or groups of People but it’s like if you actually met And sat down and had an intimate Exchange with somebody from that Community or somebody from that religion Or somebody from that demographic and You know I had the privilege Tony and I met with this group of people And we were doing an event there Actually uh and you know the men and the Women they had separate experiences Tony Went to the mosque with this group of Gentlemen and had a really love the Experience and for myself I was uh maybe There was about 100 women everybody was In burkas and so I wore a burka to be
Respectful just entering that that Reality in that culture These beautiful women from all ages they Um they taught me they taught me what They were doing and washing their hands And washing their mouth and washing Their feet and gave me the context of The why uh you know they helped me they Fed me they prayed with me Um it was when I think back to like just Spiritually really rich experiences I’ve Had in my life that’s one of them and I Didn’t think that’s so meaningful I Think it’s so meaningful because Uh it completely obliterated uh possibly Everything it’s like narratives you know What I mean it’s like the narrative who Is who is this you know who is a Christian who is a Jewish person who is A Muslim you know individual and we have And by the way you can put any of that Any of those individual identities of Religion so we all have I mean we all have but there’s Preconceived notions or assumptions uh Projections uh that you and I picked up In the group mind or that we pick up Through you know Media or different Sources and so forth and I think it’s Just so beautiful to pierce that Veil And to be open and willing enough to Have an experience for yourself and that Experience it schooled me it opened me It rearranged everything I’d ever heard
Like it was one of like there were such Beautiful people and they were so in Service they you know they wanted to Take care of us at every moment I Remember leaving there and just being so Struck Um at how I felt ushered through this Beautiful culture how I felt welcomed Into this home into this prayer circle Of these women how I felt seen uh how I Felt accepted even though I was the only Blonde blue eye girl in the room you Know Um then nor did I speak the language we Spoke the same language of the heart Like you know we there was just because There was only Our face is showing there was something About everything else disappearing and Um there was just such an intimacy with That uh that’s a really also like even I Hadn’t thought about it until you said That as I’m picturing it in my mind Right you’re in a burqa so all you see Are each other’s eyes so also to almost Make yourself invisible yes what a Unique way to come at identity when You’re actually your physical self is Invisible because I think as is human Nature a lot of us do get stuck in the Physicality of this life well we know That there’s like you said to your point I could shave my head I could cut off a Pinky I could cut off a foot or a whole
Leg I’m still married aren’t I hmm So then if you cover your whole self and You’re just looking into each other’s Eyes and when I hear that story from you I also think it’s so beautiful that say There’s there’s a little bit of an In-group out group happening so you’re You’re coming into this group of Muslim Women And they are welcoming you like there’s No I that’s what’s missing to me today Is like I think it’s great if you have Your groups and I think as humans we all Want to belong to groups and communities But can we still invite others in like Are we so deeply immersed I just think That that like those women are an Awesome example of being like come See what we’re doing thank you for your Willingness thank you for your curiosity Thank you for your you know showing up And now like let us give you an Experience of us I was highly impacted By that and I’ve thought about those Women Um in just the entire experience many Many many times Uh and uh honestly it’s one of the first Things that just came to mind through This whole conversation Um I’ll tell you another context it’s Different it’s more political uh we have Two dear friends of ours um that have a They have a horse rescue that they save
Horses from Slaughter And so they are working passionately These their forces in nature and uh not Only do they help to save the horses but They’re also really actively proactively Working to pass a bill to end horse Slaughter here in America uh and they’ve Made extraordinary Headway And so we you were there we were we all Had dinner together the four of us had Dinner one night And what so struck me listening uh to Their conversation was you know they had Uh they’d probably lean a little bit More left let’s say Democratic and uh so They you know that’s one side of the Perspective but you know in order to get A bill passed you want to have you know Uh what’s called bipartisan sport uh you Know uh support on both perspectives and So they were going to meet with the you Know Republican candidates and so forth And uh they were they were sitting at The table and they were like you know What what they were actually really cool They were really supportive and in my Mind I’m like what else did you think They would be you know and yet it struck It struck me because once again it’s Like who did they believe them to be They believed them to be who possibly They’ve heard or they’ve read Um maybe somebody has spoken about Contextually but it’s like did they have
Their own experience and when they had Their own experience they were like what Because they’re just really cool people And almost like you know like horses yes Why are Republicans like horses too but That really struck me yeah it was it was A funny moment it’s a beautiful moment It was the same moment as you know my Own flight to Dubai and experiencing Such a different contextual religion Than what I was brought up in uh you Know for them it was this world and we Can all have this myopic view but in That view there’s blinders you know in Our beliefs of words there’s blinders And it gets really narrow and that was a Moment where the blinders started to Open you know and let some light in Illumination of experience of reference Points of who are these individuals and You know they talked about their humor They talked about their willingness they Talked about their open-mindedness and So like they were you could feel you Know Um just almost like the like [ __ ] I Think I couldn’t believe it and I found Watching that and observing that I was Like wow how beautiful like this is The Human Experience I think you know that We’re willing to Um and it doesn’t have to be but I think Life will offer it to us out of need That shifted their experience you know
What I mean need and a hunger to push This through in order to save these Animals that are so beloved they put Themselves in a context that maybe they Wouldn’t have associated in you know Maybe they wouldn’t have sought out but Because of their love and their passion They did and but by doing so pulling Away like the blinders and then having a Personal experience in that personal Experience surprised them and I remember Just I I really even spoke a word at That dinner I actually was just so Interested in observing and then just Noticing gosh you know I’ve I all the Moments and times in my own life when I’ve had blind spots and you know for Those of you who are listening The labels and the identities the Community whatever the label is it’s Like you know you’d mentioned about you Know uh am I married does that change me Being Mary it’s like are we our name Are we our family’s name Are we uh our religion Are we our political party You know who are we who am I I think That’s such a a profound question to Ponder and can also create a lot of Um Confusion at times because it’s like Gosh then we want to you know build more Identities of who I am well I’m a lawyer I’m a golfer you know it’s like even our
Our daughter the other day she was You know taking swimming classes and you Know uh I caught myself because it’s Like oh she’s a swimmer it’s like is she A swimmer is she actually learning how To swim because once again if I put the Label on her she’s a swimmer it’s then Oh this you know our little daughter she Feels like oh I have to be a swimmer I’m You know what I mean I’m Michael Phillips and it’s like no she’s just Really enjoying the water she’s really Enjoying the pool how cool so she’s Learning how to swim I think the I am And what we put after I am is something To be mindful of that’s really it Something to be mindful of Um and I think that that I am that we All are You know whatever you call that that Is-ness Um that vastness our true nature the Essence what you really can’t put in a Name or label in and yet We all touch up upon it there’s that Like longing inside of ourselves to to To recognize that to to Um align with that reality Um I think that’s just A really beautiful question uh and a Really beautiful reality to recognize That we are larger than the labels we Put on ourselves and we’re larger than Labels that we adopt through our
Conditioning through our upbringing uh Through the external you know Society Are we this political party that Political party this particular race That particular race or are we really Brothers and sisters on the path right All walking around all walking each Other home You know like how that feels inclusive You know like how that feels just Automatically benevolent you know what I Mean supportive I you know is that a I don’t know that That’s a it’s not fair to say higher Lower because it’s just it’s just um Another perception to perceive Um You know others rather than you know who We The stickies or the labels that we put On them are on ourselves Well you’re right because I think even Saying others then you’re getting into That duality of self and other and as Soon as itself me myself I Ego whatever you want to call it I don’t know like if if you’re listening In any part of you has had any like Little touch of an experience of Oneness Like if you really do somewhere if you Search your soul in your heart of hearts Believe that We on this planet everything living Breathing is one somehow connected the
Connected Universe then it just makes me Kind of be like like what are we arguing About right now in 2022 like it feels to Me like we’re taking steps Backwards in our specificity like Tony Teaches about the importance of chunking Right so like if you have a a if you Have to wash an elephant somebody take The tail somebody take the leg somebody Take the other leg you have to break it Into chunks but if you over chunk Something then it actually becomes Really complex and and right now I feel Like we’re almost over chunking the fact That it’s like oh we’re all humans if we Can just like remember that there’s at Least some sort of umbrella over us all That that connects us and identity it Almost seems like this heavy thing that We’re like pushing up a hill right now As a collective because it’s just it Feels like people are having a hard time Agreeing and I also think it’s human nature to want To make sense of of the world and where We’re all coming from but like let’s use Adrian for example our Brilliant sound tech who it’s his Birthday today and we had a little Conversation before we walked in here And sat down and we kind of always like To get the teams everybody’s weighing in At a different time so Adrian at the Ripe old age of 25. Adrian I didn’t tell
You I’d be sharing this but happy Birthday to you He said he said something like who are You who am I what is that question even Mean and that’s exactly it to me it’s Like What does that even mean who are you and Then is that different to you than if I Said like what are you like what are you Are you uh A writer a doctor a dentist a school Teacher what and then that’s somehow Different than like who what have you Been asking me who am I how would we Even choose what things we’re gonna let Define us it just seems so nuts to me And yet so uh beautiful that do you know We are all I think that’s where we all Meet I think no matter where we come from That question uh knocks on all of us to Understand to Um To touch to touch upon uh you know and I Think live I mean I don’t think life I Mean from my own experience uh life has Almost been like uh a learning but an Unlearning of who I thought I was You know Um who you know it’s almost like the Ideals in in um and society and in Ideals as a family or you know being the Woman the wife the role the roles that’s The word I’m looking for the roles uh
Which are really another form of Identity Um and what’s so interesting is you know I’m the same uh not the same like I have The same uh love of of service or uh Like I’m a love I I want to offer that Love I want to extend that love but at This stage of my life uh it comes from a Different place I I feel like in my Maybe 20s and 30s it was who I thought I Was supposed to be you know and I even Said to Tony one time I was like honey I Said like you know seeing him as husband I didn’t realize that I had unconscious Expectations for that identity you know He would have had unconscious Expectations for Mia’s wife and I felt Like through our I don’t know it’s been Say 20 20 some odd years it was like an Unlearning or an unraveling or a removal Of all that and then it’s just like this Beautiful human being that God gave me To love this beautiful human being that God gave us God gave you to love is too Much of a stretch okay like if you put Someone if someone’s put in front of you In your life path This beautiful individual that okay if You don’t want to say God this beautiful Individual if you want to drop that Identity this beautiful universe Just blessed me with this individual That I get to share this experience and Love that’s that’s I mean there’s
Nothing more profound and also to get to Know oneself through that mirrorship uh I think that that’s an amazing art and There’s a beautiful freedom to move Beyond from other speak for myself to Move Beyond who I thought I was supposed To be and holding that architecture up With the behavior around that Um cumbersome clunky you know and then Removing that and it’s almost like I’ll Give you a great example your mama Mary Or my mama for that my parents it’s like You know sometimes we grow up we see our Parents you see your mama’s mom yeah you Know many times you’ll say identity that Carries a lot of expectation and many Times you’ll say to me like what you’re Like Mom just I’ll be talking to Mary’s Sorry I’m not giving you a context um Many times I’ll be on the phone with Mary’s mom and I’ll hang up and I’ll Share what she shared and she’s like Your mom like my mom just said that she Just talked about that and you’re Baffled because I don’t see your mommy As Mom I see her just as this really Cool human being this really cool woman And speak to her as a friend from that Perspective and so sometimes she shares Differently with me than she would with You uh and yet you know as I watch you Um Experience and get to know and get Curious about your mom Beyond who you
Believe she is as a mother selfishly who She should be to me her daughter like it Goes from shocking to what you elicit From my mom to like heartbreaking Quickly for me because I realize like I’m not drawing that part of her out Because of the way that I am limiting Her the totality of her identity by just Being like Mom like what a punk Beautiful too you know but I see how I do that to my own mom then I take it Out wider and deeper and you see how Most kids do that to all moms yes most Kids do that to their dads you know There’s those identities in previous Podcasts we’ve called them archetypes You use the word narratives earlier Which I’m so label okay so and just like If I stick one word on you whether it’s Race religion ethnicity if I just put One word on you People will have all kinds of things Come to mind for that one word and then So we try to tell a story like I think Our identity is also the story that we Tell about our lives I guess the story Of who I am Narrative The Narrative of who I am I’m trying to make sense of it I don’t Know well Um You know I’d have to have to ponder that The narrative who I am because the Narrative would be anything that’s
Collected so that’s in the past And so who I am similar to meditation Can only be experienced here here now And so yeah go ahead but what’s the vibe But like I would say If you’re gonna I’m gonna look up the Definition the dictionary definition of Identity but that’s what people would Say it’s like the collection of your Memories I know there’s no it’s it’s like if we Go that far there’s no such thing as Past future there’s only now So if I could just start be it’s like if You just like woke up out of something And could create yourself a fresh Starting right new Right new right now beautiful notion Isn’t it it’d be awesome but no one Would do it was that true because the Strongest force in the human personality Is the need to get can stay consistent With how we Define ourselves we you Could be totally different from one Moment to the next If you want it to be I kind of am I’m Surprised some people you are a little Bit you actually really are yes I’m Going to read you a little quote okay I’d love to I have it on my phone this Time it is from Albert Einstein in the Einstein papers Albert says a human being is part of the Whole called by us universe
Apart Limited in time and space he Experiences himself his thoughts and Feelings as something separate from the Rest a kind of optical delusion of Consciousness this delusion is a kind of Prison for us restricting us to our Personal desires to affection for a few Persons nearest to you our task must be To free ourselves from this prison by Widening our circle of compassion to Embrace all living creatures and the Whole of nature in its beauty Einstein famously was like you know he Didn’t want to he wasn’t nationalistic He didn’t want to be known as a German He was a citizen of the world he was Constantly taking his I mean most people If you say who’s the brightest mind in History yes probably 99 people say Einstein right I don’t know Pretty smart guy we all agree pretty Much on that and here what is his like Core belief if we want something to Model it’s this idea that like don’t Restrict who you are called to love and Feel is this tiny little circle of the People that you are around you that and Keep going keep going it’s really Beautiful I love Um I love that you discovered that That’s it’s really profound and I feel Covers uh Oneness the interconnectedness Of all life Um and a willingness to uh touch upon
That you know here now I mean even the Oneness of here we are in this room You’re here I’m here and then all those Of you that we have the privilege to Share this conversation with that will Be tuning in that interconnectedness of This amazing technology that links us All that really amazes me and uh and I Think it’s super cool Um and I think it’s really beautiful uh In in all means that there’s this all These invisible forces this web of this Existence that leaves this web uh that Connects us and that’s the true Oneness Of one mind one heart It it traverses space and time which I Know we’re getting out there that Usually is one for me to even try to Like wrap my head around like I know Conceptually it’s true but then I’m like It feels really linear linear and it Feels like there’s space and time but Like we’re having a conversation people In this room Ethan Adrian are listening To it in real time our dog but then There’s people across time that will Listen to it today tomorrow next week Three months from now but it’s like Right like so what it just again there’s A lot of just Little mind-blowing Moments in this conversation of like who Are we who are we really Tony just Finished the business Mastery or one Business Mastery seminar of the year and
One of the questions that he asks Entrepreneurs and business folks alike Is what business are you in what Business are you really in And we can ask that I think of ourselves And of our life and of our identity like Who am I and see what your brain comes Up with and like no like who are you Really like who’s 10 year old sage 20 Year old 50 year old 80 year old 90 year Old like what is the essence of who you Are and if you’re listening I hope that Springs you into a little bit of Processing about like what is the Essential part of you what do you want It to be well I love that uh you Mentioned about age you know my grandpa Used to always say my Grandpa Bob he’d Say you know honey he’s like I look at Myself in the mirror and sometimes I Forget that I’m this age and I’ll see Like my body and my face he was in his 80s at that time and he’s like who the Heck is this guy uh but that Struck me and now you know I’m in my 40s And it feels different because the Business that we are the essence that we Are doesn’t age it’s Timeless it’s Eternal you know it’s it it it is and so It’s like what that isn’t this that I don’t there’s no words that does it Justice but the Consciousness that you Know you could use that word the Awareness that is perceiving through
These eyes that’s watching it all was The same one at 10 is the same one here In my 20s my 30s my 40s and my grandpa In his 80s and I think you know does Body change does the external matter Shift in change but that’s the unmovable Uh reality of us all and I think that That is where we really meet and that is A a recognition or realization that’s The exterior changing identities or Expressions of who we are that’s the Part that is unchangeable right or time Or out of time or I’ve heard I think it Was uh Joe Goldstein say like okay so Say like say our Adrian here is 25 today I’ve heard Joe make the remark like how Old is your breath that’s coming out Right now how old’s your breath is it 25 Is it like right now like how old oh Your leg is tingly how old is the Sensation in your leg oh you’re hungry How old is your hunger is it 25 years Old or is it like there’s things that It’s like I can’t make sense of this Rationally logically And identity is one of those things that I just have it feels when I start to Talk about it makes me laugh because It’s just like no like what are we how Are you ever how do we even attempt to Describe that it just I don’t know we Have pers and then we have personality Tests like at Robin’s research we rely On something called the disc test people
May have heard of it d-i-s-c Uh William Marston was the psychologist Who also fun fact also invented Wonder Woman Wonder Woman the comic he invented the Disc test based on these personality Defining markers a lot of people are Familiar with the big five personalities So but then Is personality the same thing as Identity most people would say no it’s Different but like well then what is That From my own experience anyways it’s you Know who I think I’m supposed to be Rather than the essence of who I am So that’s the unmovable unchangeable Perspective within us all and then the Personality from my own self the Personality a lot of times was another Name for it is like cellophane self you Know it’s the person that Um you think you’re supposed to be well Or yeah because of conditioning socially Familiar so innocent yeah so it’s so Innocent and I think that’s a beautiful Gift of this existence is the shedding Or the unlearning or you know the Removing the masks so that it’s like oh There she is there it is they’re Um you know I can’t even name it uh male Female truthfully because it’s just There uh that that Essence that that you Know when you look in the mirror uh it’s
Really beautiful too you know I watch Our little one and as she perceives Herself in the mirror and uh it’s so Beautiful to watch just you know her Look inside her own eyes We forget to do that you know we we look Into others eyes but to actually look in The mirror and don’t look at you know Your hair or your face or whether you’re Shaved or makeup or that but just Actually looking in your eyes and and See who’s looking back I I think that’s Such a profound Um exercise and I see it every day with Our little one and I’m reminded by that Innocence I’m reminded of the awe and The Curiosity to discover oneself Um and that’s an art often forgotten uh Because you know through the limits of Identification the limits of Personality It can be a little bit more Fixed even though it’s not I have a question for you okay is this Real is this real oh okay can I just Have a sip of water sure are my cheeks Like blazing them just as warm as I Could be so Sage I have a question for You When I was growing up it was much more I Remember as like a kid we would say this Funny thing like you’re having an Identity crisis I don’t hear it as much Anymore probably because people just Don’t make jokes like people don’t make
Jokes anymore maybe really Just kidding but Eric Erickson is who Actually coined the term I’m told Essentially about an identity crisis so Here’s my question for you this is from Um a little excerpt here that says Probably Erickson’s most famous concept Has been that of the identity crisis Which was designed to point to the Central conflict of adolescence Quote each youth must Forge for himself Some Central perspective and Direction Some working Unity out of the effective Remnants of his childhood and the hopes Of his anticipated adulthood a young Person must find some resemblance Between what he perceives in himself and What is what his sharpened awareness Tells him others judge him and expect Him to be hmm so I read that and I Thought that was an incredibly Interesting thing like wait a minute so It’s not even how we Define ourselves There is even Erickson as he just Described it was like also like you’re Bumping up against what then others Expect you to be because of either this Identity that you’ve claimed or this Identity that they’ve put on you or some That you’ve mutually negotiated let’s Say That’s getting into some murky Waters if You ask me what do you make of an Identity crisis so to speak and I also
Do you resonate at all with like he’s Saying that’s Um a trademark of adolescence but I Think it’s also forget adolescence I Think there’s some marking of going from Youth to a mature respectable Elder Responsible human being Where you have some sense of identity Working for you you might not verbally Describe it but You Know Who You Are Not or not okay exactly you know or not Yeah I don’t know I mean as I listen to That quote my only reference would be as An identity crisis because I don’t know His complete understanding of that but Would be uh it’s like the death of the Old and the birth of the new and I think That that’s happening every moment in Our lives you know Um we’ve talked about this before it’s Like I can look back at photos of myself Five years ago two years ago ten years Ago and think gosh you know I wouldn’t Wear the clothes that I was wearing due To today or sometimes I think gosh what Was I thinking Um you know but I have compassion for Her and just you know can witness uh Just that as we all grow and evolve and So I think that the identity crisis Sometimes is the death of who we thought We were the death of who we thought we Should be and even I think it’s one
Thing like you’d mentioned um in in his Quote I think that’s one of the reasons Sometimes why we move away as kids is to To give ourselves some distance from our Parents or our elders so that there’s One less of that wall or that voice Believing that oh my gosh I have to Please or I have to be this in order to You know what I mean serve them so I Think it’s you know we all find our way We all find our path and it’s all unique To each of us Um but I think Um Not I think it’s all unique to each of Us and I think something that we can get Curious about is questioning uh you know What identities do you uh cling to or What identities in your own life do you Find limiting do you find restrictive uh You know what’s a a broader uh Perspective or label or Identity or is It a matter of removing them and Recognizing then you’re more than that Label I think that’s an inquiry to Consider you know and taking a look at I Wrote one here you know what identities Are possibly limit you or locking you in A fixed reality Rather than the spaciousness or the uh The spaciousness to experience more of Yourself you know I think that’s all of Our path home here too I’m glad that you Said uh how did you say it just now
You said something in there that really I’m knocked out because I was in a Little revelry actually he said Something that made me realize when I Was like maybe in my 20s I used to that Downright like fantasize about the idea Of like I just want to go somewhere And where no one knows me and there’s no Like like where I could basically just Start fresh and it’s not like anybody Knew me yeah in my town As much as it was just like this Something that was so like tantalizing To me about like what if I could just be In a place where If I want anything I think part of it Stemmed from My own personal experience would be like I was as a little kid as you probably Imagined like I was such a little tomboy And I remember sometimes say our soccer Team would have to dress up on days of Games so we’d have to wear like a dress Right and it wasn’t that I didn’t want To wear a dress it was I knew that when I would get to school in a dress Everybody would be like oh you’re Wearing a dress And it’s like yeah I am I it wasn’t it’s Not that I couldn’t get out the door in Something that didn’t feel that felt way Outside of my identity it was like and Now people are gonna expect me I don’t Know what it meant but it’s my earliest
Memory of like Whoa like Why is this such a big deal like you Know and then feeling like I just want To go to a place where I have Tablarassa to be anything I want and That’s probably why some people maybe Run away or or lose touch with people I I would think it was it’s just like this Really innocent desire to just live your Life How cool a tomboy wearing a dress Unexpected you know who’s to say that Those two can’t go together I don’t know Well where were you in sixth grade Because I was crying my eyes out under My bed I had one other note here that I just Think I’ve scribbled a bunch of things done When we said we were going to talk about Identity okay and one of the things was That it’s proven that there’s more Diversity within groups Of say Men women race ethnicity however you Want to chunk the group there’s more Diversity within groups than there is Between groups so I just think that’s Another example of like this is why Identity kind of makes me laugh because I just think it’s like aren’t we all Individuals connected individuals and we
Have all kinds of traits but like why Would any Decided upon group of traits make why Would that be any more essential to you Than anything else it just feels like I don’t know and so I think that’s What’s so cool we are all here to Express our own is-ness and how it flows Through Us in its own unique way and I Think that that is the most gorgeous Discovery of this life is to recognize Our uniqueness and yet our likeness Um because uh you know there’s there’s a Fragrance to you there’s an Essence to You there’s a beautiful Essence to you Know Yuli thin or to tone or to the Whomever everybody expresses that Is-ness that Consciousness uniquely and Um you know To summarize this try conversation and Identity What’s beautiful is uh who am I is a Profound question and it’s a question in The East that is inquired much more Meaningful uh and you know they’re not Looking to the outside Um they’re rather looking inside And maybe that’s where the answer lies And a lot of times we are looking at who Am I for this external representation or This external Um you know label this external identity Uh you know through my uh travels to India I was just so struck at how they
Contemplate and ponder that reality of I am You know I am that I am Touching upon that uh and um observing That uh I think is a really beautiful Question and I can’t answer that for Anybody I can’t answer that for you you Can’t answer that for me Um and uh hopefully through this this Conversation at least maybe there’s been Some space created some An opening uh aha uh and in that space You can inquire you can perceive uh the Gorgeous beautiful self that you are Um and thank you for joining in uh thank You for your own curiosity thank you for Your own you know inquiry uh your own uh Hunger it’s beautiful it’s what’s guide Us all here and Mary B uh I enjoy every One of these conversations with you so Thanks for keeper continue to come back I do with curiosity every time thank you Thank you Foreign [Music] To say hello there because I was I think I said a frame because I know What we shared and so yeah it was it set A frame Beyond it being female and from My own experience looking back on my own Life and from my own perspective today Uh identity has been overwhelming from Who I believe I’m supposed to be under Each of those umbrellas I understand and
Therefore what’s I think the true Inquiry of this or to the true intent of This is you know in this whole Human Experience beyond all of our identities Where do we meet and who am I who are we Uh Beyond those external personalities The external conditioning uh the External labels and that’s a a Discussion an inquiry uh that I’m Excited to have and to explore today and So I think it may have to do how the Cultures condition women to be Everything to everyone that makes may Make that demand but I think it’s an Important point to still get across Because it is radically different I’m Just here to tell you talking to men and Women in this area and I remember that Conversation because that conversation I Asked a lot more questions of women now Even when I do it and I can see that it Is often held as a burden so your goal Of bringing it to the highest point Where we all meet I think is great but You’re still beyond beyond male female Because I also I still think we want to Meet them but I also believe I agree With you but I also this is my Projection in an assumption I don’t know That this is accurate I I would have to Question whether it’s male female I Think there can be some generalizations Under that umbrella depending upon the Individual that we’re thinking of like
The nature of the masculine energy the Nature of the woman uh but I do believe From my own experience that it’s who I Believed I needed to be and the ideals And the uh projection of that that’s Great and I still wear all those hats I’m just saying I think it’s important I Think it’s still important to not limit It to that but to acknowledge that Women’s expectations of their own body Would be a perfect example of identity Is ridiculous and it is culturally Conditioned and men think that’s like Videos we show men think they’re cool When they’re well they don’t have a Hairy ass they’re hairy ass and there’s 30 pounds over with me and they think And they think man I’m I’m a I’m I’m a woman I’m a Man I’m the God’s Gift of women right and it’s like what Some of them think that area and it’s a Perfect example of the difference in Identity like they’re standing what they Was expected versus you look at it as a Set of rules I got to somehow try to Meet sure and so I hear that maybe use That as the reference point to it but I Don’t want you to leave that out I know What you’re doing is even more important But I think it’s important to Acknowledge that difference because I Think people on either side in some Indian as you said as well some men will Think this way some women will feel this
Way it’s just inclusivity on both Perspectives I think it’s more uh Accessing female energy or accessing the Authentic energy or what is more out of Balance or imbalance within the Individual I think that would reflect That more and I hear 100 what you’re Saying I think that’s good the example I Just gave you there you can forget about All that it’ll still be the same and I Agree and I and I think that and that’s Conditioned responsible how we relate to Our bodies and who we think we need to Be physically that’s right and that’s an Identity the culture has given it is it Has nothing to do with the women can do Are freaked out about that who are Beautiful inside and out but they don’t See it very often because of the Conditioned identity and that’s part of The idea and the men are not having that Same experience and that’s part of the Identity crisis for a lot of women Coming to their 40s because it’s like oh My gosh I’m losing my external maybe Athletic body or my beauty power or Whatever that looks like and then as That all strips away you know we get to Really actually know our true nature or We have the opportunity to life is Inviting us to a life beyond the External therefore the arrow is printed Back inside of ourselves because as that Body falls away or what was one Ops is
What was once up is all of a sudden Hanging down yeah it’s like hey or where You didn’t have hair you do you didn’t Mean it all happens like life changes on All perspectives no because just as like Your body is going in a direction maybe Like say at 40 years old when at 20 I Was an athletic Adonis But stupid as far as life experience Goes and then you hit 40 so one thing’s Going one way and at the same time it’s Like yes and I’m just catching my stride In another way and catching your stride Stride as you actually have expanded Your identity yeah think about you right It’s a perfect example yeah like even When you introduce yourself in that Parking lot I was touched by William Myself in the parking lot the other day When you said to the guy at the VIP Thing look I’m a mom and I’m doing this Right and when you said it Mary B there Was just a full ownership of that at Such a different level that it was a Different woman when you described Yourself in that moment physiologically As a woman I knew four years ago let’s Say you know it was beautiful so you Could use that as a metaphor I hear you And then and then of course everybody Flexes between them they the truth is we Already recorded it so we’re gonna like Bridge those two All right we’re out of here thank you
Ethan you’re awesome
